Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:icondanikamilles: More from DanikaMilles


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
March 18, 2012
File Size
556 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
370
Favourites
22 (who?)
Comments
29
Downloads
80
×
Shattered dreams,
Silent screams,
Tear stained eyes on a lifeless pillow.

Tethered hearts,
Brightened sparks,
Gentle kisses on a dark summer's night.

Infringed notions,
Masked emotions,
These thoughts are hard to hide.

Desperately waiting,
Constantly anticipating,
The dreams I had in mind.

Barley hanging,
Mentally cascading,
Why's it everyone's turn, but mine?
Made the changes I thought were unnecessary. I think it reads much better now.
Add a Comment:
 
:icondeathofanangel91:
Deathofanangel91 Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Short and spicy, I like it :) even though all paragraphs are very short, you still managed to tell a good story/scene that people can imagine and place themselves into.
very nice
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you!

:dance:
Reply
:iconmystichuntress:
mystichuntress Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the structure of the poem, it removes all the unnecessary words while still keeping the meaning of the overall poem. It's also, nice way to visually express the idea of "shattered dreams".
The only thing that seems to ruin the flow of your poem would be the third line of each stanza - compared with the other lines, they're slightly awkward to read, with their simple sentence structure.

Aside from that, nice ideas :)
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you. I guess I was slightly pulling away from the typical rhyming poem...where the third line is spoken.

Honestly I have never study the structure of poetry so I am a bit unfamiliar with it. Thank you for your feedback. I will see if I can possible reword it, in order to make it flow better.

Thanks again :)
Reply
:iconmystichuntress:
mystichuntress Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem!
As part of studying texts and poetry, we're required to also "analyse" how structure contributes to the overall effect on a poem -.-"" So I'm used to it.
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah, I see. Yeah I should probably start studying myself. I am just so use to poetry coming to me, and quickly writing it down before it fades away. Sooner or later I will sit down and look at structure as well lol.
Reply
:iconfudge-royale:
I know you'd like a properly structured comment (and here I am defeating the purpose of fav-and-running by writing a lengthy- useless- comment nonetheless) but I really should get back to my work...
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Well I understand, no problem, and thanks for faving. lol

There is always another time do to such things :)
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Sep 25, 2012   General Artist
way fun to read aloud! :clap:
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:) Glad you liked it and that is good to know.
Reply
Add a Comment: