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Shattered dreams,
Silent screams,
Tear stained eyes on a lifeless pillow.

Tethered hearts,
Brightened sparks,
Gentle kisses on a dark summer's night.

Infringed notions,
Masked emotions,
These thoughts are hard to hide.

Desperately waiting,
Constantly anticipating,
The dreams I had in mind.

Barley hanging,
Mentally cascading,
Why's it everyone's turn, but mine?
Made the changes I thought were unnecessary. I think it reads much better now.
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:icondeathofanangel91:
Deathofanangel91 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Short and spicy, I like it :) even though all paragraphs are very short, you still managed to tell a good story/scene that people can imagine and place themselves into.
very nice
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you!

:dance:
Reply
:iconmystichuntress:
mystichuntress Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the structure of the poem, it removes all the unnecessary words while still keeping the meaning of the overall poem. It's also, nice way to visually express the idea of "shattered dreams".
The only thing that seems to ruin the flow of your poem would be the third line of each stanza - compared with the other lines, they're slightly awkward to read, with their simple sentence structure.

Aside from that, nice ideas :)
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you. I guess I was slightly pulling away from the typical rhyming poem...where the third line is spoken.

Honestly I have never study the structure of poetry so I am a bit unfamiliar with it. Thank you for your feedback. I will see if I can possible reword it, in order to make it flow better.

Thanks again :)
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:iconmystichuntress:
mystichuntress Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem!
As part of studying texts and poetry, we're required to also "analyse" how structure contributes to the overall effect on a poem -.-"" So I'm used to it.
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah, I see. Yeah I should probably start studying myself. I am just so use to poetry coming to me, and quickly writing it down before it fades away. Sooner or later I will sit down and look at structure as well lol.
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:iconfudge-royale:
fudge-royale Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012
I know you'd like a properly structured comment (and here I am defeating the purpose of fav-and-running by writing a lengthy- useless- comment nonetheless) but I really should get back to my work...
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Well I understand, no problem, and thanks for faving. lol

There is always another time do to such things :)
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:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012   General Artist
way fun to read aloud! :clap:
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:) Glad you liked it and that is good to know.
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:iconstefanslittlelove:
StefansLittleLove Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this!
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you!
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:iconstefanslittlelove:
StefansLittleLove Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome ^^
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:iconjtcheney:
jtcheney Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
your poem accomplishes in just a few verses what other poems lack in pages.
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Wow thank you!
Reply
:icongiroro45:
giroro45 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012
Must say a very emotional poem c:
Though trying to rhyme with suffixes like tion and ing tend to be hard ><
Oh and are the last sentences supposed to have different or same meter?
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Same.

The first parts out of the 5 belong together but not in a rhyming sense. Then I change it up and the last three are suppose to belong to each other.

However to be honest I have never really gotten so into poetry that I know all the structural rules...
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:icongiroro45:
giroro45 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012
ah okay gotcha.

Oh don't worry, my teacher got me all into it XD
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah ok
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:icongiroro45:
giroro45 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012
yup ^^, but you did a good job on it C:
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:)
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:icongiroro45:
giroro45 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2012
^^
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Professional Writer
I really like the ending. Very satisfying. I don't think you need anymore rhymes. I'd work on the rhythm and meter a bit, perhaps. Make it flow better. Especially the line "widely anticipating" just breaks the flow. I'd probably change the first word.
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Yea I had had a different word and then changed it. I couldn't decide what I wanted. It was Constantly anticipating at first.

So you like it as it is rather than changing it to those two rhyme verses? Or better than the original lines in the comment.

I ended up thinking the didn't match when I finished the poem. I think I started it off thinking I was going to write it one way and then changed it, and ended up writing it anther.
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Professional Writer
I like "constantly" better.

I like how it is better than if you added the rhyming verses.
Reply
:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Lol that's what I get for second guessing myself.

Alright cool. I had hoped so. I usually just write what comes to mind, but I also want to be constructive too. I have never been much for fixing my poetry after it is written, but I am starting to change that now.

Thanks for all your input. :)
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:iconcitynitesandstarlite:
citynitesandstarlite Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like it, it's really deep.You obviously put a lot of time into this.
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you. :)

I am glad you think so.
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:icondanikamilles:
DanikaMilles Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Days lost with the passing sun.
Nights escape with the waning moon

Might change these lines...seeing as I like the flow of the other lines...might make it flow with the rest...
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