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Literature Text
We live in a world untouched by others. Magic veils protect our fragile, unseen, world from those who wish to seek it. We call ourselves the gatewayway world. We are the anchor; release it, and the sea is yours.
If our world were to be discovered, many others would suffer. Our people work hard to ensure our safety and that of neighboring worlds. Strict rules have been applied and we follow them religiously. The Council oversees all matters. Political involvement is extremely important to us. We take great pride in it. It is this pride which may have blinded us. We thought our world to be unbreachable. We we wrong...
If our world were to be discovered, many others would suffer. Our people work hard to ensure our safety and that of neighboring worlds. Strict rules have been applied and we follow them religiously. The Council oversees all matters. Political involvement is extremely important to us. We take great pride in it. It is this pride which may have blinded us. We thought our world to be unbreachable. We we wrong...
Another revision of my Forbidden Ties prologue.
Next: Chapter 1: Ellena of Ellenwood
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p.s. If you download this please fave it. Thanks!
Next: Chapter 1: Ellena of Ellenwood
Preview image by:
p.s. If you download this please fave it. Thanks!
© 2013 - 2024 DanikaMilles
Comments9
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Hi, hon! Alright, let's get to business here, shall we?
You've left me with more questions than answers here, which is fine since this is just a prologue...but I feel like there could be SO much more to this than there currently is, if you know what I mean?
I wish there were more about the world itself. Right now, there's a lot of telling, but I don't get a sense for the setting--or who's speaking, for that matter. Slipping in small details--you already mentioned that there are other worlds around this one, and that's good!--would help bring this prologue to life. Things like what the world looks like, who the people are and what they're doing there, what's going on in the world to make them so fearful...
Let's take a look at some of the things we have here already:
We live in a world untouched by others.--What do you mean by this? Are there other worlds out there that would harm this one, if they knew about it? Aren't there other worlds AROUND this one that know they exist? This would be a good place to set the stage for the villains, if there are any--why is this world so special? Why do they go to such lengths to protect it? WHO are they protecting it from? Questions like these can be answered easily--you don't have to give ALL the answers away right now, as this is only the prologue, but your readers should feel invested in this story from the very beginning. They should be captivated, wanting more.
Magic veils protect our fragile, unseen, world from those who wish to seek it.--I think "unseen" shouldn't be in there, unless there's a reason for it--if this world is SO protected that even the worlds CLOSE to this one don't know it exists, that would be a reason to keep the word in there, but you should make sure that you explain, like I said above, WHY this world is so protected. If you're going to keep it in, you don't need the comma AFTER it--just the one before it.
We call ourselves the gatewayway world. We are the anchor; release it, and the sea is yours.--First, you have one too many "way"s at the end of gateway. ^.^ I really like the last sentence of this paragraph--there's a sense of mystery that drew me in and left me wishing there was more to this. What are they a gateway to? Is this why they're so protected?
If our world were to be discovered, many others would suffer.--You switch tenses here. Only briefly, but it's there, so change "were" to "is" and take out the "to be." This would put the sentence back into present tense, with the rest of your sentences. You also need to change "would" to "will."
Our people work hard to ensure our safety and that of neighboring worlds.--This would be a good place to talk about the other worlds. Do they know this world exists? What's the relationship between their peoples like? What are the people like? etc.
Strict rules have been applied and we follow them religiously.--This piqued my interest, but then you cut it short. What are these rules? How do the people feel about them? WHY were the rules set in place and WHY do the people follow them? What are the punishments or consequences if people DON'T follow them? Has anyone ever gone against the Council?
The Council oversees all matters. Political involvement is extremely important to us. We take great pride in it. It is this pride which may have blinded us. We thought our world to be unbreachable. We we wrong...--Again, general story questions. WHO is the Council? Why do they oversee everything? What are they afraid of? Introducing the individual factions alongside the world setting is KEY to cluing your readers in to the matters at hand and making them feel invested in the story.
I like what you have here, but I feel you could expand upon it easily and make this prologue REALLY grab your readers. If you have any other questions, let me know and I'll do my best to answer them! 